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Dear Erik: I have regular gatherings at my house, most recently debate viewing parties. Good friends get together, drink cocktails and eat snacks. This time I decided to go for the fun atmosphere and have a pajama party with debates. I just invited ladies.
Then a man I love very much asked if he could come. All the girls said they would be fine with this because he is a sweetheart and won’t be at all lecherous and inappropriate with ladies in pajamas.
Then I got a text from another friend asking if I was doing anything for the debate and I said no. Even though I love him like a cousin, he can be a little creepy, like he makes sexual comments out of the blue for no reason.
Now I feel guilty for lying. Am I a terrible person? – Debate the guest list
Best Debater: I don’t need a Quinnipiac poll to tell me you’re not terrible. You have the right to create a guest list in any way you see fit. This is especially true for people who make you or your guests uncomfortable through inappropriate behavior. And you didn’t owe your friend the truth if you didn’t feel like having a long conversation about it.
That said, as is ideally the case with any candidate running for office, you can hold your friend accountable. If you don’t like the comments he makes, you can express it. Hopefully he will understand and change. It is healthy for your friendship and good for the group. Moreover, his reaction will reflect his true character.
Dear Erik: Our son just received a birthday card from his great aunt, containing a small amount of money. We told him to write her a thank you card and send it to her. He asked, “Can’t I just text her?”
Nowadays we no longer know what proper etiquette is. Texting wasn’t an option growing up. We can see where the great aunt would like to communicate directly with our son (sixth grade) and his number so that she can communicate with him in the future. We also understand that it may not seem very personal and agree that there is something about getting old-fashioned mail. Please advise. – Satisfying
Dear Grateful: Every time I write about thank you notes in this column, I open up a storm in a tea kettle in the comments. Well, just call me a bag of Earl Grey, because I’ll jump back in.
He should send a text And a thank you note. Texting is his age-appropriate form of communication. Sending a quick thank you note is useful and can help him build a bond with his great aunt.
But it’s valuable for him to learn how to write a thank you note and when to send one. For example, the text could be a quick appreciation, and the note could be a physical memento of him telling her what he spent the money on.
As he gets older, he may decide not to send thank you notes, although I hope he doesn’t. Still, understanding this skill now will pay off in the future. I think he’ll be grateful.
Dear Erik: We have a couple that we get together with for dinner occasionally. It is quiet about setting time and place; I usually let them choose. The problem is that every time we show up at the agreed time (never late), they usually have already ordered the starters they usually eat and usually have ordered their main course.
We always feel strange that we have to take the time to look at the menu and order. Once would be weird, but it’s almost every time. I don’t know what to say. It’s difficult. Why do they invite us when they go to dinner without us? If you don’t want to arrive an hour earlier than the stated time, are there any suggestions? – Meal craze
Best meal: What a fascinating habit this couple has. I would even call it rude. It’s one thing to arrive early and order a soft drink or cocktail while you wait, or perhaps an appetizer to share. But they started the whole meal. I’d be perplexed too.
It’s best to meet the awkwardness head-on. The next time you make plans, tell them that you’ve noticed that they tend to arrive and start eating much earlier. Ask if there is a reason for this and tell them that you would really like to spend the entire meal together.
It seems unlikely that they are unaware of this habit; maybe there is a good reason. But in talking about it – “dinner is at six; What time will you be there?” – you give them the opportunity to explain and make adjustments. If they don’t either, it might be best to just meet them for dessert.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him further Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.